8

 When I think of eight years ago, I think that I can't believe how fast it's gone by.  That's such a trite thought.  Why can't I come up with something better to describe it?  But its true. I can't believe it's been eight.  I've been trying to remember you.  When I'm alone and it's quiet, I search the recesses of my mind to remember you.  The memories are fading.  I hate it.  I try to tell stories about you so not only do the people I'm talking about you with can know some things about you, but so I can remember
you.  A funny thing has happened occasionally over the last year.  Caleb has made a few faces and said a few things that remind me exactly of you.  It's been a small grace that I've been given to remember you.  The boys have been asking questions and talking about you recently.  I answer them as best as I can.  But in the quiet of my mind, I wish you were here to answer them.  I was thinking the other day that I want you to be here because they're both at an age now that you would have felt comfortable taking them to do things.  Ricky took them to the driving range last month.  While I love that he did that, the thought that came up was I wish Josh was here to take them somewhere to do something.  I wish you were here to show them how to wash the cars, or change the brakes, or any other numbers of things that you could've taught them.  So I find myself eight years later asking myself questions that I'll not get any answers to on this side of eternity.  It hurts. Still.  I'm listening to this song that Chris Stapleton wrote.  It's called Mountains of My Mind. I'm going to link it to this blog post.  It's like he's in my brain with this song.  One of the lyrics that speaks to me from it is this.  "So I think I'll find a long white line, curse the world and leave it all behind. I've been trying all this time, but I still can't climb the mountains of my mind".  When I think of you, there's a mixture of laughter and tears.  So many good, funny memories.  So many regrets and sad ones as well. Editor's Note: For the first time since I've started writing these blog posts, I asked Christa to read it and tell me if it was too sad. She said it wasn't, but you keep talking about how much guilt you still feel. When she first told me that, I got a little defensive. Having thought about it overnight and realized that she was right. I shouldn't feel the guilt as much as I do. I know that you prayed that I would find a good wife. God went above both of our expectations when He gave me her. Her patience and understanding with me have been such a help in walking the road of grief. 

I think the most effective lessons I've learned in my life are informed by my relationship with you Josh.  I'm more understanding, less quick to get to the harsh judgment and the expectation of an impossible standard to meet.  That's what I did to you.  I expected you to be someone that you were not.  Rather than seeing you the way that you were created, I saw you through eyes of judgment.  I remember being awoken on numerous occasions in the middle of the night to pray for you.  Not just for you, but for repentance for me, for the way that I treated you.  

I was thinking earlier today of the times that we would go have lunch together.  The last one I remember was when we went to Honey Bear's.  We both had the ribs and fries.  Honey Bear's is no longer there.  I'd go if it was.  I don't remember what we even talked about.  I'm sure it was nothing serious. I wish I had known that it was the last time we'd eat lunch just me and you.  I'd pay so much money for one more stupid lunch together. I'd tell you all the things I've written about the last eight years. I'd love to just sit and talk and catch you up on this life we've lived since you've been gone.  I can't so I'll just keep doing what I've been doing.  Searching for memories.  I like going back and seeing you pop up in the timeline. I often think that the timing of your passing has been a welcome distraction from the election.  It's a good reminder to me about the things that are really important. I think of legacy and what it means to leave this world better than I found it. People put so much importance on these elections.  And while they are important (they were important to you) I find myself just thinking about eternity and what its going to look like when we're all together again, the way we were meant to be. Glorified.  Redeemed. Transformed.  I can't wait.  I think of you in Heaven.  What do you do there?  Who do you talk to?  What are those conversations like?  Do you say anything inappropriate? I'm  guessing you do because it's you and that's kind of what you do.  

I'll say it again. I've said it a thousand times.  I miss you.  Everyday.  Every time someone brings up a memory about you, I try to lock it away, so that I have it for myself because mine are fading away.  I love you.

7

 I'm not delusional about my brother's passing.  It was bad.  Like, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy bad.  Some things I have chosen to forget.  I just simply do not want to remember them.  What no one tells you when people that you're close to die is, everyone seems to have a different memory about the same situation.  These things and people can be very sensitive subjects.  One my flaws or my strengths, depending on your perspective is, I suffer under no delusions.  That is the tension of being my brother's brother.  No one else on earth knows what being his brother was like. It was maddening on a number of occasions.  It was fun on many others.  Joshua was a complicated individual that was difficult to get along with.  Not a jab. I'm difficult too.  

We are now in the part of the grieving process where the really hard questions are beginning to come up in my head. The What ifs.  The missed opportunities to intervene.  The wondering if the times that I did say something if I should've been more forceful?   Questions that I will not have answers to on this side of eternity.  I can remember Josh sitting on my couch and I'm about to be in the kitchen getting him some water because I thought he was just a little hot from doing some work on one of my vehicles.  There was a time not too long before this that he would've been completely fine.  I had a conversation with him in that moment telling him, begging him, to go to a doctor because I knew there was something much worse going on than what he was telling me.  He was off. I knew it. He knew it.  I should have grabbed a giant butterfly net and scooped him up and taken him to the hospital.  Should have are the two key words.  I didn't.  And to this day, it haunts me.  I'm telling you all of that to tell you this.  If you think there is something wrong, there is.  Don't ignore it.  While I did have a conversation about it, it should've been more than a conversation.  I don't care how uncomfortable it is. Get them to a doctor, if you're facing something like this with someone that you love.  

Josh, you've been gone for seven years now.  My boys still ask questions about you. I tell them funny stories.  I told Caleb about the one the other day when the kids sprayed you with bleach and I chased them down in the alley and put the fear of God into them.  I told Caleb that he's only got one little brother and he needs to stick up for him when other people are acting stupid towards him.  I have also  told Luker to punch Caleb in the nuts to defend himself when Caleb is getting too rough with him. I didn't tell him about hitting him with the plastic jump rope across the back when I was giving you the business.  Little flashes of life sprint across my mind every now and then and I remember you.  Reading old facebook posts.  Seeing you as a contact in my phone still and remembering that you would call and talk to me about something that you thought was important but really wasn't, you just wanted to call to talk for a few minutes.  I didn't know how important those were. Neon Moon comes up in the rotation and I think of you every time.  Hearing other people tell stories about how you helped them  I just saw a comment Dave left on one of the posts about you on the memories page of facebook and how you would tithe to his church.  I can't help but think about how proud you would be of  Dave and what he's doing now and where he's at.  In fact I know that you would've found some reason to go to Baton Rouge to visit him at Jimmy Swaggart's church just simply because you would've known how much your Granny would've wanted to you to do it. I also know that you would've tithed to Aaron's church.  And you would be in Aaron's corner as a pastor. You would've visited him there way more than I have because it's the type of person you were. You would've acted like you were just passing through, but it would be a lie. It would be the purpose of the trip for you.  I think about you every day. There's a look or a noise that one of my boys gives that reminds me of you.  There's a number of situations in politics that you and I would be able to commiserate about.  There are so many inappropriate comments that we both would've made about Joe B.  You're still alive in my mind. It's important to remember. Often times when I'm alone and it's quiet, I'll close my eyes and search the recesses of my mind to remember you.  I've been trying to be a better friend.  I've been trying to be a better Dad and husband. I've been trying to have more deep and meaningful conversations with people just simply because it helps me to remember you.  When I get the chance to speak into people's live about loss, or grief, or any other number of issues that I will keep private here, I try to have those conversations.  Simply because I know that you would've wanted me to.  Your death has been the single hardest thing that I've faced in my life. It's shaped me and continues to shape me now.  God has taken this horrible thing.  And turned it into something that helps me be better than I was.  I miss you Josh. I can't believe that its been seven years.  I pray that this year, people will be saved because I talk to them about you and Jesus.  And what He can do in spite of tragedy.  

6 and Leach

 I didn't expect Mike Leach's passing to effect me as much as it did.  I didn't sleep well on Wednesday night because of it. I've always admired Coach Leach.  His teams in Lubbock were so fun to watch.  Except in 2008.  He was a football savant.  A genius. You can read all of that stuff in other places though.  It's been well covered. I think the thing that I admired most about him is that he was unashamedly himself. He would give opinions on weddings, the best kind of candy, the purpose that coffee serves, pirates, and any other number of topics. I'm really glad that we have all of these videos of him giving interviews to people that just wanted to talk.  He was hilarious.  I've watched the video of him giving wedding advice about five years ago 100 times.  I've laughed every time, "your bride to be is going to lose her mind, your mom is going to lose her mind, etc." is some of the funniest stuff  I've ever heard. I will miss Mike Leach and his desire to never call a running play. He said every time they ran, it was an audible that the quarterback made. Fascinating. 

On Nov 6 this year was the sixth year that my brother has been gone. I haven't written anything about it because, well I don't know why.  Some part of me says that I don't want to be the guy that just always talks about his brother passing away. A few weeks ago we had a night of thanks service at our church.  It is not in my nature to ever raise my hand and say something in public. I'm not afraid to, its just not something I do a lot.  This night I felt the need to.  I talked about how we hadn't known what to do with Josh's ashes these last six years and this year we figured out that we need to bury them with my Granny because he loved her so much and it seemed right.  I'm not a person that believes closure is a thing. Meaning I don't think its as important as people think it is.  But putting his ashes seemed like the right decision because nothing else seemed right.  We had talked about just opening up the canister on the highway because Josh loved driving.  We talked about burying him under a safety corridor sign. We thought that the state troopers wouldn't look too kindly on that, but with Granny was definitely the right decision.  

You may be asking, how do these two things go together? Coach Leach was always who he was.  So was my brother.  He was opinionated and was never at a loss of  letting you know what his was.  He was hilarious and not necessarily at the proper times.  There was more than one funeral or hospital visit that some dirty looks were shot our way. Joshua never put on airs.  One of the things that I've realized that I appreciated about him was he was always himself.  Those people don't come around that often.  I feel like I'm only my true self around a very limited amount of people, but that's not the way that Joshua was.  I'm drawn to authenticity.  Everyone that I enjoy being around are people that are themselves and aren't apologetic about it.  

I'll get back to the rest of the story about church.  I told the church that I was thankful for God's sovereignty. For a long time before Josh ever got sick, I would wake up at all hours of the night and pray for him. It happened hundreds of times as I got into my later 20's and 30's  I would ask God to save my brother.  Much like earlier in my life when I would do the same thing for my Dad, and one day those prayers were answered. My Dad was saved.  I believe that every time we pray, the answer will come.  Sometimes, that answer is yes, and the harder thing to deal with, is that answer is no. That's where my thankfulness for God's sovereignty happens.  In the no.  But your brother is dead.  Yes.  But he's saved.  The prayer was answered.  Not in the way I wanted it to be, but in the way God chose to answer it.  This tension is difficult because every day I miss Josh. One of my sons will give a look or say something and I think, "man that looks or sounds like Josh".  Those times are sweet reminders of him.  I'm fully convinced that the way things happened with Josh were the way that they were supposed to go simply because at this exact moment, he is in Heaven.  I wish I was there.  That's where my heart longs to be.  

Here are some final thoughts for you if you're still reading this.  I love you.  Finding my way through this grief over the last six years has been interesting.  It's never been easy.  A lot of times I've been tempted to go inside a shell and just never come out.  That's not a good place for me to go.  The only things that I've figured out is there is a lot of suffering everywhere.  Somebody is always going through something.  I've talked to more people, more deeply over the last few years then I ever have before because of grief.  If  you need to talk to anyone, I'll talk to you. Or I know someone that you can talk to.  There have been some songs that I've listened to on repeat.  They help. Tears flow sometimes and that's good.  Here's list of three songs.  Abide- Aaron Williams, How Good is He- Vertical Worship, Promised Land- Toby Mac.  Promised Land made me bawl like a baby, but I needed it when I heard it.  I know loss.  It's real.  It hurts.  Sometimes it comes out of nowhere and not at a time that you're expecting it to.  The tension between the finite and infinite is beautiful.  I appreciate smaller things than I ever did before. Don't got through it alone.  It won't help.  It's tempting.  Don't do it.  Go to God. Then go someone that knows God.  

One that isn't about my brother (maybe)

It is no secret that I love college football. Being able to go and work the champ game is a privilege that I do not take lightly. I fully appreciate the exclusivity and the honor it is to be able to go and be a small part of it.  When I wasn't able to go last year, I put on a brave face and told myself it wasn't going to be the same anyway, so it will be ok to miss it.  I lied to myself. It got to game day and something was missing.  Getting updates from Christa was nice, but it wasn't the same.   I decided then that if I get the opportunity to go again, I would.  I also decided to approach it differently than I had in the past few years.  I think it's easy to take things for granted that you don't think you're going to lose.  I decided I wouldn't take it for granted again.  I was going to do whatever I was asked to do.  I was going to take it in more and look at things differently than I had in past years. I also decided to say things to people I wouldn't otherwise say.  

When Gina first asked us to come help with the champ game, I was pumped for the access.  That is fun don't get me wrong.  I don't take it for granted that during the most important moments of these games, I'm on the field while it's going on. The thing I didn't know is how important the other people that come help with this game would become to me.  I've become friends with people from all over the country that I otherwise would never have crossed paths with. When Gina decided to change career paths, I wasn't sure what the future would hold for Christa's and my involvement with this game.  When a change like that happens, people tend to bring in their own people.  When Katie Cavender took over for Gina, I didn't know what she would think of me.  I knew what she would think of Christa, but me not so much.  The thing that happened was Katie became like a sister to me.  It's hard to explain, but I felt like I had known her for a long time. I think the thing that I admire most about Katie is how much she cares about her people.  The kids she brings in for social content, for video, for all of the stuff that you see that isn't on ESPN, is her and her people.  Her brothers are a blast and I can tell that they love her and are fiercely loyal to her.  That stuff isn't fake.  And it came out of nowhere.  I don't believe in accidents.  I believe that God puts people in my path that He knows I need.  And vice versa. I was going to start listing people here, but thought better of it because there are a lot people and I don't want to forget anyone.  If you've been to this game to work it and we've spent anytime at all together, I want you to know that I appreciate you and am very glad that I know you.  If you're here in phoenix anytime soon, our door is open. I'll smoke some meat and we can hang out.

The other thing I love about all of this, is seeing Christa do her thing.  Her ability to organize and get people to follow her is amazing.  I think this game and the behind the scenes operation of this game is one of the things that makes her soul sing.  She juggles a thousand things and keeps a great attitude about all of it.  It's also the only time of the year that I get to be alone with her and it's a great reminder to me that there was the two of us before it was the four of us.  Don't get me wrong, I love the four of us more than anything, but I enjoy the two of us quite a bit as well.  Christa deals with brand new people at this game every year, and at the end of it, people have always become quit fond of her. I say it all the time, she's the best.  I don't tell her enough. I don't show her enough. But seemingly every new person she comes across seems to have the same reaction.  Eight years, eight different games. Eight different groups of people become very close with my wife.  It's amazing.  

As long as they keep letting me, I'm going to keep coming to this game.  Even if they take away my access, I'll keep coming.  It's become bigger than this game that I love so much. I absolutely didn't expect the people that became the thing, but they did. Hopefully, all of the ones this missed this one, will be in LA. I missed you. 

5

 The story of the two key chains pictured on my social media pages goes like this.  My brother had a key chain that I stole from him a long time ago.  Like 25 years ago.  I didn't tell him I stole it from him until many years later.  It broke at some point last year.  It shouldn't have affected me.  It affected me.  It affected me quite a bit.  There aren't many tangible things left of my brother's. This one was a direct tie to him and I.  It was a part of our story.  Quite honestly, the memories are fading a little.  The problem with Josh being gone is, he was my historian.  The stuff he remembered, is the stuff I forgot, and vice versa. Back to the key chains.  I got a package in the mail one day.  A package I wasn't expecting.  It was a key chain that says "Brothers".  My best friend Aaron sent me this key chain. I say best friend, but that doesn't explain it.  Aaron knows where all the bodies are buried. It affected me. There will never be another Joshua Tomblin.  Aaron is doing his best to make up for the brother part of my life that I am missing.  5 years ago I had no idea how much of my identity was wrapped up in being a brother.  I would like Aaron to know in this blog post that I really appreciate the kindness he showed with a simple act of thinking of me when he saw that key chain.  It's something a brother would do.  I don't remember if I said thank you when you sent it.  But I need you to know that I had this moment in mind.  You know the effect of the loss of my brother. You loved him too.  He loved you.  The memory will now forever be forged for as long as i own the key chain you sent me. I was sad when the old one broke.  I told my Mom about it and she said let me take and see if Cole can fix it.  Cole is my cousin's husband and he does great leather work. Look his facebook page up, it's Henderson Boys Creations.  He's really talented.  My Mom came back here a couple months ago and brought the repaired stolen key chain with her.  It's not in it's original form.  But it's ok.  It's repaired.  In so many ways it parallels my relationship with my brother.  So many times it was broken.  But we always came back around to being repaired.  I can't believe how many sentences I've written about a key chain.  

This is the part where I write specifically to Josh.  

I don't cry as often. But I do cry. It comes out of nowhere. A sibling story on a tv show or movie, will always cause it. I don't know if I've still ever grieved you properly.  I think about you every day. Sometimes, Caleb will make a face, and I think, man that's a Josh face.  I've figured out that I'll never replace the relationship with you. But I have decided to be more brotherly to people around me.  I say stuff to them that I never would've said before.  I know you and I know that you would probably be making fun of me a lot for some of it.  I am thinking that people need brothers more than ever.  I also think about how you would've dealt with the politics and world events of the last two years and I kind of wish that you were still here, just so I could see your head explode. I often search the recesses of my brain for memories of you.  I hate that they're memories.  I find some that I regret.  I find some that make me laugh.  I find some that are frustrating.  You were a complex human being.  I've been around a lot of  loss recently. In the past, while you were still alive, I'm not sure how affected by it I would've been. But now, it's made me think about how tough losing you at such an early age has been.  I was telling our small group a while back about how I would wake up in the middle of the night praying for you. And that it happened quite often.  I would pray that God would save you.  I also told them about praying for you to be healed.  A lot.  And it didn't happen.  But the prayers about you being saved were answered.  It's such a weird tension.  I want you to still be here, but I'm glad that you're there.  5 years flew by.  Some days, it feels like it was yesterday. I've gotten really good at making rib tips.  You would lose your mind with how good they are. I miss you Josh. So much.  The other day I was looking at my facebook memories and I saw a comment you made on a post, and I realized that it was the last one you ever made on my page.  Heartrbreaking.  But at the same time it brought a smile because it was picture of  one of the babies and you were commenting on it.  There's a lot of things that go like that when I think about you.  Broken heart, but also a smile. Mom and Dad got a new puppy.  They named him Mickey. I wonder what you would think of that name.  And I laugh.  

The part to Josh is over. 

 If you're reading this. I appreciate it.  My brother's death is the singular most difficult event I've ever been confronted with.  I don't know how I made it other than the grace of God. I eulogized him twice.  Eulogizing a 37 year old is difficult.  When that 37 year old is your only brother it really hits home how precious and fragile life is.  I am always willing to talk.  I am a member of the world's worst fraternity.  Don't pull yourself up by the bootstraps.  It's difficult.  I know.  I'm serious.  I'll talk with you.  I'll listen if that's all you need too.  I've found that sometimes I just need to say it.  Don't feel like you're alone.  I'm here.  Thank you for taking the time to read this. I've found that writing these on these days helps me to remember.  I want to remember.    

Confession Time

 I've been trying to avoid writing this one for a while now.  Too many "coincidences" have made it to where I knew that I can't go on any longer without being obedient.  I've been a Christian for a long time. I've gone to church for literally my entire life.  I know all of the right words to say.  I know how to act when the moment calls for it. I've faked my way through more Christian things than I can even count.  Our small group was meeting for the last time for the spring semester before we all went on spring break. The typical last small group meeting of the semester isn't one that is typically soul bearing or really in depth. So when this one was, it came out of nowhere.  Jason, our leader was asking about time and place in regards to spending time alone with God and praying, and reading His word. When it came time for me to talk, I hemmed and hawed my way through it as best I could.  Justifying bad habits is easy.  I'm a pro.  I'll come  back to this.  

We left a church about three years years ago.  It was seeker sensitive.  It's not necessarily a bad thing.  It is when you've been a Christian your whole life and you're just sitting back and cruising because you think that you've put your time in with all time you've given in the past.  So for the last three years we've been attending a church that isn't afraid to ask you some tough questions.  Why aren't you serving?  Why aren't you attending a small group on a regular basis?  Why aren't you listening to sermons that are expository instead of topical?  When i started answering these questions I began to realize how spiritually malnourished I was.  As big as I am physically, spiritually, I'm anorexic.  I've grown quite a bit in the last few years, but there were still some questions being asked that I wasn't answering.  

So the question about the time and place lingered and nagged and bothered me.  I had no escape.  If the question isn't being asked, I can avoid it.  When confronted with it, The Holy Spirit wouldn't go away.  I did not have a love for the Word of God.  I haven't read it consistently and thoroughly enough to let it do it's work in my life.  Of course I've read passages.  Of course I've read Romans, and Revelation, and The Psalms, and Proverbs.  I've read a lot of it.  Just not consistently.  Not thoroughly.  I started a Bible reading plan for the first time in my life about 49 days ago. I haven't done the plan every day, but the days that I missed, I've made up for it.  For the first time in my life, I've been consistent with the Word of God. Let me tell you something.  It works.  The impatience has been better.  The quickness to anger has been better.  My attitude with the world around me has been better.  The battle against besetting sin has been better.  Not perfect.  Not arrived at the destination.  Better.  

If you're my friend and you're reading this, I know you've thought about some deep things recently.  I know you've been wondering about what the missing thing is.  I know what it is.  It's God's Word.  It's where He's at.  Life is in that book. He put it there for you.  I'm not recruiting for our church.  But if you've been thinking about it.  Come with me.  The difference for me has been monumental.  I was missing so many things.  I was in the dark.  God by His grace and kindness illuminated the dark places in my life and gave me the choice to look at Him differently.  Even if it's not coming with me to my church, find a church that emphasizes the Word of God.  If you're listening to sermons every Sunday that are just some dude's opinion, you're missing it.  I was missing it.  I still miss it sometimes.  I love you.  Thanks for reading this.  

4

If you're reading this right now, I'm writing a blog post to my brother Josh that passed away four years ago (Nov 6).  I've found it to be a great way to help with my grief.  I can't tell you about anyone else's experiences in life.  Losing a brother is easily the hardest thing that's ever happened in my life.  I wouldn't wish it happening to a sworn enemy.  I wanted to give you some context.  If you're reading this, and you've lost someone significant in your life, I'm here.  It's hard.  I fight some days to not get lost in the loss of  Josh.  It shouldn't have happened.  If you want to have a private conversation about specifics, I will.  It won't be awkward on my end, I promise.  

Christa was was watching a movie with the boys a few weeks ago called Greater.  It's about an offensive lineman at the university of Arkansas named Brandon Burlsworth that was a walk on. I'm sure that you would never have watched it.  I came in about halfway through.  I kind of knew the story.  I thought it was good.  It was inspiring to see the work that Brandon put in to (spoiler alert) become an all American offensive lineman.  If you were watching it with me, you would have said, that could be you Jarod.  I'd roll my eyes and tell you to shut up. Christa would get mad at me and tell to not say shut up in front of the boys.  It would be a whole thing.    I digress.  I'm watching it and realize that he has an older brother.  In my head I think, I can handle this.  I'm fine.  Movie keeps going, I cook some ramen noodles. I start eating them.  I keep thinking, no big deal.  I'm fine. I can handle this.  And then I can't handle it.  Dude, I came apart.  

Before this moment in time, I thought I didn't have any more of these moments in me.  Not that I don't still  miss you, or don't think of you.  I just thought that I didn't have any more left.  I. Was. Wrong.  

Dude the longer this goes, the more I realize that you're gone.  I looked your contact info up in my phone the other day.  I was hoping that somehow, some old text was in there.  It wasn't.  And I was sad. With how crazy this year has been, I keep thinking about how you would be.  All the memes that you would've sent  All the crazy stuff that you would've said.  How many times the FBI would have to come out and talk to you.  It would've been great.  I keep thinking I should look your name up and see if you voted in this election.  That would be funny.  I just miss you.  It's not easier.  The tears don't come near as often, but when they do, it's a lot. It's really not lost on me that you died around election time.  It really puts a lot of things in perspective for me every four years. Nothing has impacted me thus far in my life as you not being here anymore.  

I'm not smart enough to know how eternity works.  I would hope that there's some way for you to read this.  I miss you.  More than anything, just the random call for the check in that you would do.  That's the hardest thing still.  The safety corridor check in.  The random meme from out of nowhere to let me know that you were thinking of me.  I'm glad they pop up in my memories.  It's the only reason I still have facebook.  

You wouldn't believe how much less shy I am these days.  There has been a definite shift in how I approach people since you've been gone.  I think losing you, lit something in me.  I still have a hard time not being a brother anymore.  People will tell me after they read this that I will always be brother, and  I will appreciate the sentiment, and respond nicely.  Not having you here, created a massive hole in my life, that I cannot replace.  I do have great, close friends, that substitute nicely,  but they're not you.  

I am still on a search to reconcile the loss of you in my life.  The blog posts help to a certain extent.  I just don't know if I'm going to get there on this side of Heaven.