You would've turned 40 September 25. The round numbers seem harder for some reason. I think we all search for significance in some ways. Round numbers seem to be an easy thing to hang a hat on. I saw a funny meme the other day. Apparently, Kanye got saved. I know. It was a meme of Bill Gaither doing a Homecoming concert with Kanye. I'd almost go watch it. Almost. I know that you would have sent it to me with the cry laugh emoji.
Every now and then it still pops up when I'm not expecting it. I think about you every day. I was watching a documentary called Country Music on PBS a few weeks back, actually some time around your birthday. And Vince Gill started talking about writing Go Rest Hight on That Mountain for Keith Whitley when he died. He said that he couldn't get through the first verse of writing it because it tore him up. Then his brother died. I couldn't get through the story. The assurance that I have that you are in Heaven right now is really the only thing that has kept me from falling apart. My knowledge of God's grace and faithfulness has sustained on many days when I wanted to retreat into the deep recesses of my mind. The questions that are unanswered are still asked. They're still hard to think about. The complexity of all of this is very difficult to navigate sometimes.
The people that are reading this might find this next little stanza of text to be difficult to understand. I think you would get a little bit of a kick out of the number of awkward conversations I've had to have over the last three years about you not being here anymore. I know one of the greatest joys in your life was to put me in positions that made me squirm a little bit. One doesn't ever think about how many times the question "do you have any brothers or sisters", pops up in a getting to know somebody conversation. It's literally just behind what do you for work. Nearly every time I've been asked if I have a brother or sister, and I have to say, "he passed away three years ago", it ends the conversation. It's a dark thought, but I know that if you're listening in, you've laughed at me.
I think the thing that I'm having a really hard time with is not being a brother anymore. This has just popped up within the last year or so. It hits hard Josh. Just after you left us, I was mostly concerned with holding it together for Dad and Mom, and really didn't consider a lot of how I would be affected. The not being a brother anymore is a real shocker. My desire to have a brother and be a brother has definitely changed how introverted I used to be compared to how I am now. I've had more deep and meaningful conversations with my friends than I ever did before. I know that we were closer at the end, than at the beginning, and I am truly regretful for that. I often wonder if I would've been closer, earlier, if it would have made a difference? And I can't help but think that it would have. I can't change our thing. But I can change future relationships. I can be a better brother to someone else.
I sent Mom a text earlier today. It was a simple question. 3 years tomorrow? Her answer. Yes. I debated if I should send it because I knew the answer. I wanted her to know that I was thinking about you. Missing you isn't the right term. Sometimes I feel paralyzed. Your death still hurts. I'm sitting her typing this thinking about all of it. And how much I hate that you're gone. Tears are flowing.
My hope in the eternal is what keeps me going. I can't wait until we all see you again. I think about God's goodness in the midst of it all. It's hard to see sometimes. There's a song called The Goodness of God that rips me apart every time we sing it. The second verse says, I love your voice. You have led me through the fire. In darkest night, You are close like no other. Those are anchor lyrics for me right now. There have been a lot of dark nights. But God has been close. Someone reading this post needs to know that I know that you are severely struggling with finding the goodness of God right now. I want you to know, that it's there. I promise. I found it. Even in the worst times, I've found it. Leave a comment or send me a message somewhere and I'll pray that if you're struggling to find it, that you will.
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
Friday, May 10, 2019
My Favorite person
I knew that she was the one probably before the first date. We had talked for a few months before I could ever work up the nerve to ask her on a date because i was scared that if she met me in person, I would screw it up. I knew after the second date when I took her to BJ's Brewery and the worst movie either of us had ever seen and she wanted to go on a third date that we had something here. It was a blur after that. A late night post Jimmy Buffett concert call from her to me and we were off to the races. She asked if i was awake at like 2 a.m. and I said yes (I had been asleep for at least a couple hours). The things that I want you to know about her are many and various. The first thing that I loved about her is, she didn't need me. She was independent, she already had a great career, she had a full and healthy social life. She loved her parents and in particular, she had a good relationship with her Dad. (single dudes looking for a wife, I cannot tell you the importance of the knowledge of her relationship with her Dad. If it's unhealthy, you'll be fighting an uphill battle for the rest of your life).
She was a Christian that served and went on missions. She loved college football. As I began to check the list off, I realized she checked boxes that I didn't ever think about having written down. She was nice. She appreciated that I was nice. You would be surprised at how that can work against you when you're dating someone sometimes, but that's a conversation for another blog post. She took me to Austin for my first Longhorns game in person. She took me to the national championship game later that same year. If there is a more well rounded person than her, I don't know them. She liked going to concerts. She loves being around people. Let me touch on this one a little bit. I do not like being around people, You will find me trying to figure out a way to get out of certain gatherings if there is any way possible to do so. I think one of her favorite things to do is to put me in uncomfortable situations to see how i react. I strive to not make her life more difficult, so most of the time, I fake it til i make it.
We dated for 10 months. I didn't meet her family during this time. I thought it was weird. I didn't say anything because I assumed that something had gone on in a previous relationship where the ex boyfriend was close to the family. To this day, I don't know the names of any of her exes with the exception of one. I didn't care. I still don't. Less history, more mystery is my policy. I remember telling her that I think I'm in love with her. I literally said I think. I guess I was offering myself some sort of out in case she wasn't. Luckily she said she loved me too. Not too long after this conversation, I asked her if I had to ask her parents if I could marry her. She said yes. I asked her, don't you think you should introduce me to them first? She said that would probably be a good idea and I finally got to meet the Wood's. She brought me to a park for a birthday party without announcing who or what i was. (this was super awkward, but reference the above sentence where i think she loves putting me in positions that make me totally uncomfortable). Everyone was nice. Then next event was a birthday celebration at Greasewood Flats. I specifically remember this night because her Mom sidled right up to me at the table and said, who are you, and are you dating my daughter? I said I'm Jarod and yes. Not too long after this conversation, I asked her parents to have lunch with me at Ajo Al's, and asked them if I could marry their daughter. They both gave me their blessing. Her Dad asked me if i knew how strong willed she was. I had an idea. I now have a better idea. Spoiler alert: She's still pretty strong willed.
We got married. I remember having a conversation about kids prior to us getting married. I asked when she wanted to have kids. She said right away. I said ok, me too. We went on our honeymoon at the end of october 2010. Our first son was born on July 17, 2011. The math checks out. I've said all of this stuff that I love about her to say this about her. I love the way that she is a Mom to my two boys. She cares about every aspect of their life. Our second son was born on March 24, 2013 by the way. We went back to back. Caleb was in a big boy bed before he was two. I digress. From the moment these two little guys were born, something happened to her. Everything else became much smaller. These two became very big to her. It seems that every decision we make, involves these two boys. She prays with them. She does homework with them. She teaches them how to be gentlemen. She tickles them. She plays hide and seek with them. She cries when they cry. She worries if they're friendly enough. She wants them to be loved. Both of them have so many of her characteristics. Caleb has her tenacity. Luke has her gentile caring personality. The way she mothers our boys is what I love most about her. They will be good men because she is a good Mom to them. They will never have to worry about their Mom caring for them. She always will. When she is out of town and I am in charge, I feel like we're just surviving. When she is here, we thrive.
By writing this post, I run the risk of not having anything good to write in her card, but it's ok. I wanted to tell you a little bit about her because she means so much to me. She has been a rock during a very difficult period of my life. She's pretty much the only one that sees me cry. I love her. She is the best Mom, and I'm glad that God put us together. I truly can't imagine it any other way. Her name is Christa by the way.
She was a Christian that served and went on missions. She loved college football. As I began to check the list off, I realized she checked boxes that I didn't ever think about having written down. She was nice. She appreciated that I was nice. You would be surprised at how that can work against you when you're dating someone sometimes, but that's a conversation for another blog post. She took me to Austin for my first Longhorns game in person. She took me to the national championship game later that same year. If there is a more well rounded person than her, I don't know them. She liked going to concerts. She loves being around people. Let me touch on this one a little bit. I do not like being around people, You will find me trying to figure out a way to get out of certain gatherings if there is any way possible to do so. I think one of her favorite things to do is to put me in uncomfortable situations to see how i react. I strive to not make her life more difficult, so most of the time, I fake it til i make it.
We dated for 10 months. I didn't meet her family during this time. I thought it was weird. I didn't say anything because I assumed that something had gone on in a previous relationship where the ex boyfriend was close to the family. To this day, I don't know the names of any of her exes with the exception of one. I didn't care. I still don't. Less history, more mystery is my policy. I remember telling her that I think I'm in love with her. I literally said I think. I guess I was offering myself some sort of out in case she wasn't. Luckily she said she loved me too. Not too long after this conversation, I asked her if I had to ask her parents if I could marry her. She said yes. I asked her, don't you think you should introduce me to them first? She said that would probably be a good idea and I finally got to meet the Wood's. She brought me to a park for a birthday party without announcing who or what i was. (this was super awkward, but reference the above sentence where i think she loves putting me in positions that make me totally uncomfortable). Everyone was nice. Then next event was a birthday celebration at Greasewood Flats. I specifically remember this night because her Mom sidled right up to me at the table and said, who are you, and are you dating my daughter? I said I'm Jarod and yes. Not too long after this conversation, I asked her parents to have lunch with me at Ajo Al's, and asked them if I could marry their daughter. They both gave me their blessing. Her Dad asked me if i knew how strong willed she was. I had an idea. I now have a better idea. Spoiler alert: She's still pretty strong willed.
We got married. I remember having a conversation about kids prior to us getting married. I asked when she wanted to have kids. She said right away. I said ok, me too. We went on our honeymoon at the end of october 2010. Our first son was born on July 17, 2011. The math checks out. I've said all of this stuff that I love about her to say this about her. I love the way that she is a Mom to my two boys. She cares about every aspect of their life. Our second son was born on March 24, 2013 by the way. We went back to back. Caleb was in a big boy bed before he was two. I digress. From the moment these two little guys were born, something happened to her. Everything else became much smaller. These two became very big to her. It seems that every decision we make, involves these two boys. She prays with them. She does homework with them. She teaches them how to be gentlemen. She tickles them. She plays hide and seek with them. She cries when they cry. She worries if they're friendly enough. She wants them to be loved. Both of them have so many of her characteristics. Caleb has her tenacity. Luke has her gentile caring personality. The way she mothers our boys is what I love most about her. They will be good men because she is a good Mom to them. They will never have to worry about their Mom caring for them. She always will. When she is out of town and I am in charge, I feel like we're just surviving. When she is here, we thrive.
By writing this post, I run the risk of not having anything good to write in her card, but it's ok. I wanted to tell you a little bit about her because she means so much to me. She has been a rock during a very difficult period of my life. She's pretty much the only one that sees me cry. I love her. She is the best Mom, and I'm glad that God put us together. I truly can't imagine it any other way. Her name is Christa by the way.
Friday, March 1, 2019
Dear Josh
It sneaks up on me man. I was just standing here listening to Christa talk about taking the Saylor boys home after school. She was telling me that she told them she would give them a dollar per flag pull and another for a touchdown. Caleb and Sam were being annoying in the back seat (compliments to you, the most annoying back seat person ever). Hugh told Christa, "See what I have to deal with everyday?" And it hit me. I'll never be able to pick on you again. I'll never be able to team up with you to pick on someone else again. And I cried. You would make fun of me if you knew how much I've randomly cried since you've been gone. (insert the Kelly Clarkson song because you would've started singing it right there). I was watching Modern Family the other night and lost it. Lost it. The permanence is what is setting in right now. I know I'll see you in Heaven, but I don't know when I'm going. Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die. I find myself searching for you in my mind. The nuances that our relationship had. Only the stuff that you and I did, and knew. There are still the regrets too. The times I was mean for no good reason at all. The times that I didn't follow through with something that I knew you needed, but you wouldn't ask for. I think that's what hits the hardest now. Wondering what I could've done. What can I do now to make up for it? That is the question that burns in my soul right now. I'm searching for places to act on the brother part of me. Ironically, I get to fulfill the Dad part and the husband part everyday, which is a shock to you and I. I lack a lot of things, but my boys like me, and Christa hasn't left yet. The part that is missing now is my brother part. When we went to this last champ game, I decided to have meaningful contact with some of the people that we have gotten to know over the last five years. I had conversations with people about things that I would never in my life had talked with or about before. Simply because I miss being a brother. The hole is definite. And it is bigger than I ever knew it would be. I miss you isn't the right phrase. Its a placeholder phrase. It's more than that man. It's deep. If I don't keep it at bay, I can let it consume me. The only thing that I know to do, is teach Caleb how to be a big brother. I've had more and deeper conversations with him recently about my relationship with you and what I could've changed about it. There's a lot of times when I wonder if the conversation is landing, but every now and then, I see it. I see him understand how deep my grief for you is. I really don't know if I ever grieved at the time. I kind of needed to keep it together because I am still a son. But I'm also a husband and father. Two years and some odd months later, I still get hit with it. I don't think it will ever go away. Honestly, I don't want it to. Our relationship was what it was. It was ours. All the bad. All the good. It was ours. The fact that I still get hit in the gut tells me I should've appreciated you more when you were around. If you're reading this. I'm still sorry. I would give all of my money to give you a wet willy again. So many things I want to tell you about. So many things that have happened. You'd make fun of me for how much I love The Zac Brown Band. You would've faked your excitement for me when I took a selfie with Jason Witten. Hey sidebar, Will you tell Jesus to put the bug in Jerry's ear to have Jason Garrett fired please? He's really been mediocre for a long time. So many things Josh. I miss you and I always will. You would love my ribs by the way. SOOOOO much better than Honey Bear's. I miss the random rib lunch with you up there. Another sidebar, there has to be great barbecue in Heaven right? I mean you're with the creator of smoked meats. I can only imagine......don't.
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