I didn't expect Mike Leach's passing to effect me as much as it did. I didn't sleep well on Wednesday night because of it. I've always admired Coach Leach. His teams in Lubbock were so fun to watch. Except in 2008. He was a football savant. A genius. You can read all of that stuff in other places though. It's been well covered. I think the thing that I admired most about him is that he was unashamedly himself. He would give opinions on weddings, the best kind of candy, the purpose that coffee serves, pirates, and any other number of topics. I'm really glad that we have all of these videos of him giving interviews to people that just wanted to talk. He was hilarious. I've watched the video of him giving wedding advice about five years ago 100 times. I've laughed every time, "your bride to be is going to lose her mind, your mom is going to lose her mind, etc." is some of the funniest stuff I've ever heard. I will miss Mike Leach and his desire to never call a running play. He said every time they ran, it was an audible that the quarterback made. Fascinating.
On Nov 6 this year was the sixth year that my brother has been gone. I haven't written anything about it because, well I don't know why. Some part of me says that I don't want to be the guy that just always talks about his brother passing away. A few weeks ago we had a night of thanks service at our church. It is not in my nature to ever raise my hand and say something in public. I'm not afraid to, its just not something I do a lot. This night I felt the need to. I talked about how we hadn't known what to do with Josh's ashes these last six years and this year we figured out that we need to bury them with my Granny because he loved her so much and it seemed right. I'm not a person that believes closure is a thing. Meaning I don't think its as important as people think it is. But putting his ashes seemed like the right decision because nothing else seemed right. We had talked about just opening up the canister on the highway because Josh loved driving. We talked about burying him under a safety corridor sign. We thought that the state troopers wouldn't look too kindly on that, but with Granny was definitely the right decision.
You may be asking, how do these two things go together? Coach Leach was always who he was. So was my brother. He was opinionated and was never at a loss of letting you know what his was. He was hilarious and not necessarily at the proper times. There was more than one funeral or hospital visit that some dirty looks were shot our way. Joshua never put on airs. One of the things that I've realized that I appreciated about him was he was always himself. Those people don't come around that often. I feel like I'm only my true self around a very limited amount of people, but that's not the way that Joshua was. I'm drawn to authenticity. Everyone that I enjoy being around are people that are themselves and aren't apologetic about it.
I'll get back to the rest of the story about church. I told the church that I was thankful for God's sovereignty. For a long time before Josh ever got sick, I would wake up at all hours of the night and pray for him. It happened hundreds of times as I got into my later 20's and 30's I would ask God to save my brother. Much like earlier in my life when I would do the same thing for my Dad, and one day those prayers were answered. My Dad was saved. I believe that every time we pray, the answer will come. Sometimes, that answer is yes, and the harder thing to deal with, is that answer is no. That's where my thankfulness for God's sovereignty happens. In the no. But your brother is dead. Yes. But he's saved. The prayer was answered. Not in the way I wanted it to be, but in the way God chose to answer it. This tension is difficult because every day I miss Josh. One of my sons will give a look or say something and I think, "man that looks or sounds like Josh". Those times are sweet reminders of him. I'm fully convinced that the way things happened with Josh were the way that they were supposed to go simply because at this exact moment, he is in Heaven. I wish I was there. That's where my heart longs to be.
Here are some final thoughts for you if you're still reading this. I love you. Finding my way through this grief over the last six years has been interesting. It's never been easy. A lot of times I've been tempted to go inside a shell and just never come out. That's not a good place for me to go. The only things that I've figured out is there is a lot of suffering everywhere. Somebody is always going through something. I've talked to more people, more deeply over the last few years then I ever have before because of grief. If you need to talk to anyone, I'll talk to you. Or I know someone that you can talk to. There have been some songs that I've listened to on repeat. They help. Tears flow sometimes and that's good. Here's list of three songs. Abide- Aaron Williams, How Good is He- Vertical Worship, Promised Land- Toby Mac. Promised Land made me bawl like a baby, but I needed it when I heard it. I know loss. It's real. It hurts. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere and not at a time that you're expecting it to. The tension between the finite and infinite is beautiful. I appreciate smaller things than I ever did before. Don't got through it alone. It won't help. It's tempting. Don't do it. Go to God. Then go someone that knows God.
