Joshua

 I've always found that I can get trapped in my own brain.  I tend to think about something every way possible, and then double back and think about it in every other way that it can be thought of.  I'm struggling with the thought that this post may be self serving.  I have to get it out of my brain though.  My brother Josh has been very ill for a long time now.  I don't know how much longer we'll have him with us.  I want to tell him the things that I've never been able to tell him for whatever reason. First, I'm really going to miss you.  I always appreciated your honesty.  Sometimes, I thought you were too honest, but I always appreciated it.  I knew I would never get the answer that I WANTED to hear, but your honest thoughts made a number of things I attempted to do, better.
 I've always appreciated your loyalty.  I have never known anyone that was as devoted to people as you are.  Your friends were never left in need if you had a way to help them.  Your devotion to our parents is something that I always admired.  You always called, or showed up late at night, drove hundreds of miles, to be there.  You were at so many more things than me.  I always thought I was "too busy".  You never were.  Anniversaries, birthdays, or just to pop in for the weekend,  you showed up.
 I've told you a thousand times how sorry I am for the way I treated you when we were kids.  I'm still sorry.  It's the biggest regret of my life.  I should've been a better brother.  I should've been more supportive.  I'm trying to make it up by raising my boys to be better brothers to each other than I was to you when we were growing up.  I can't get in a time machine and go fix anything, but know that I truly wish I could.  You didn't deserve to be treated that way.  But remember when I chased down kids that were mean to you on more than one occasion?  Remember when I scared the crap out of those kids in the alley?  I did do a few things that made me a good brother on occasion.   The only thing I know to do is to try to be better now.  I never told you this, but there was a decision I made a number of years back to try to stop telling you how to live your life and just be present when I was around you.  I made an effort on several occasions just to be there for you.  I hope you noticed.  You always made me laugh.  Some of the things you've said in your life have given me the full body tremors,  but I laughed at more things than I shuddered at.  I've always wanted the best for you.  I've stayed up late at night praying for you.  I've spent a number of hours on long road trips with you.  I wish I would have cherished those road trips more.  We always had our deeper conversations on those trips.  I'd pay a good amount of money for another one right now.  I don't want to get sappy and sad because that's now who we are.  That's not what our relationship is, but I'm glad you're my brother.  I'm glad for the time that we've had.  I don't know how much more time we have.  I honestly hope it's a good, long time, but if we don't, I love you.  I'm glad you're in my life.  You mean a lot to me.  I always thought about you when we lived in different parts of America.
 Keep fighting.  You aren't gone yet.  I believe God is the healer.  I want to you know before you go, that there will be a huge hole in my heart, but we'll see each other again. You are loved.  You matter.
I love you Josh.