Dear Josh

It sneaks up on me man.  I was just standing here listening to Christa talk about taking the Saylor boys home after school. She was telling me that she told them she would give them a dollar per flag pull and another for a touchdown.  Caleb and Sam were being annoying in the back seat (compliments to you, the most annoying back seat person ever).  Hugh told Christa, "See what I have to deal with everyday?"  And it hit me.  I'll never be able to pick on you again. I'll never be able to team up with you to pick on someone else again.  And I cried.  You would make fun of me if you knew how much I've randomly cried since you've been gone. (insert the Kelly Clarkson song because you would've started singing it right there).  I was watching Modern Family the other night and lost it.  Lost it.  The permanence is what is setting in right now.  I know I'll see you in Heaven, but I don't know when I'm going.  Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die. I find myself searching for you in my mind.  The nuances that our relationship had.  Only the stuff that you and I did, and knew.  There are still the regrets too.  The times I was mean for no good reason at all.  The times that I didn't follow through with something that I knew you needed, but you wouldn't ask for.  I think that's what hits the hardest now.  Wondering what I could've done.  What can I do now to make up for it?  That is the question that burns in my soul right now.  I'm searching for places to act on the brother part of me.  Ironically, I get to fulfill the Dad part and the husband part everyday, which is a shock to you and I. I lack a lot of things, but my boys like me, and Christa hasn't left yet.  The part that is missing now is my brother part.  When we went to this last champ game, I decided to have meaningful contact with some of the people that we have gotten to know over the last five years.  I had conversations with people about things that I would never in my life had talked with or about before.  Simply because I miss being a brother.  The hole is definite.  And it is bigger than I ever knew it would be.  I miss you isn't the right phrase.  Its a placeholder phrase.  It's more than that man.  It's deep.  If I don't keep it at bay, I can let it consume me.  The only thing that I know to do, is teach Caleb how to be a big brother.  I've had more and deeper conversations with him recently about my relationship with you and what I could've changed about it.  There's a lot of times when I wonder if the conversation is landing, but every now and then, I see it.  I see him understand how deep my grief for you is.  I really don't know if I ever grieved at the time.  I kind of needed to keep it together because I am still a son.  But I'm also a husband and father.  Two years and some odd months later, I still get hit with it.  I don't think it will ever go away.  Honestly, I don't want it to.  Our relationship was what it was.  It was ours.  All the bad.  All the good.  It was ours.  The fact that I still get hit in the gut tells me I should've appreciated you more when you were around.  If you're reading this.  I'm still sorry.  I would give all of my money to give you a wet willy again.  So many things I want to tell you about.  So many things that have happened.  You'd make fun of me for how much I love The Zac Brown Band.  You would've faked your excitement for me when I took a selfie with Jason Witten.  Hey sidebar, Will you tell Jesus to put the bug in Jerry's ear to have Jason Garrett fired please?  He's really been mediocre for a long time.  So many things Josh.  I miss you and I always will.  You would love my ribs by the way.  SOOOOO much better than Honey Bear's. I miss the random rib lunch with you up there.  Another sidebar, there has to be great barbecue in Heaven right?  I mean you're with the creator of smoked meats.  I can only imagine......don't.