The story of the two key chains pictured on my social media pages goes like this. My brother had a key chain that I stole from him a long time ago. Like 25 years ago. I didn't tell him I stole it from him until many years later. It broke at some point last year. It shouldn't have affected me. It affected me. It affected me quite a bit. There aren't many tangible things left of my brother's. This one was a direct tie to him and I. It was a part of our story. Quite honestly, the memories are fading a little. The problem with Josh being gone is, he was my historian. The stuff he remembered, is the stuff I forgot, and vice versa. Back to the key chains. I got a package in the mail one day. A package I wasn't expecting. It was a key chain that says "Brothers". My best friend Aaron sent me this key chain. I say best friend, but that doesn't explain it. Aaron knows where all the bodies are buried. It affected me. There will never be another Joshua Tomblin. Aaron is doing his best to make up for the brother part of my life that I am missing. 5 years ago I had no idea how much of my identity was wrapped up in being a brother. I would like Aaron to know in this blog post that I really appreciate the kindness he showed with a simple act of thinking of me when he saw that key chain. It's something a brother would do. I don't remember if I said thank you when you sent it. But I need you to know that I had this moment in mind. You know the effect of the loss of my brother. You loved him too. He loved you. The memory will now forever be forged for as long as i own the key chain you sent me. I was sad when the old one broke. I told my Mom about it and she said let me take and see if Cole can fix it. Cole is my cousin's husband and he does great leather work. Look his facebook page up, it's Henderson Boys Creations. He's really talented. My Mom came back here a couple months ago and brought the repaired stolen key chain with her. It's not in it's original form. But it's ok. It's repaired. In so many ways it parallels my relationship with my brother. So many times it was broken. But we always came back around to being repaired. I can't believe how many sentences I've written about a key chain.
This is the part where I write specifically to Josh.
I don't cry as often. But I do cry. It comes out of nowhere. A sibling story on a tv show or movie, will always cause it. I don't know if I've still ever grieved you properly. I think about you every day. Sometimes, Caleb will make a face, and I think, man that's a Josh face. I've figured out that I'll never replace the relationship with you. But I have decided to be more brotherly to people around me. I say stuff to them that I never would've said before. I know you and I know that you would probably be making fun of me a lot for some of it. I am thinking that people need brothers more than ever. I also think about how you would've dealt with the politics and world events of the last two years and I kind of wish that you were still here, just so I could see your head explode. I often search the recesses of my brain for memories of you. I hate that they're memories. I find some that I regret. I find some that make me laugh. I find some that are frustrating. You were a complex human being. I've been around a lot of loss recently. In the past, while you were still alive, I'm not sure how affected by it I would've been. But now, it's made me think about how tough losing you at such an early age has been. I was telling our small group a while back about how I would wake up in the middle of the night praying for you. And that it happened quite often. I would pray that God would save you. I also told them about praying for you to be healed. A lot. And it didn't happen. But the prayers about you being saved were answered. It's such a weird tension. I want you to still be here, but I'm glad that you're there. 5 years flew by. Some days, it feels like it was yesterday. I've gotten really good at making rib tips. You would lose your mind with how good they are. I miss you Josh. So much. The other day I was looking at my facebook memories and I saw a comment you made on a post, and I realized that it was the last one you ever made on my page. Heartrbreaking. But at the same time it brought a smile because it was picture of one of the babies and you were commenting on it. There's a lot of things that go like that when I think about you. Broken heart, but also a smile. Mom and Dad got a new puppy. They named him Mickey. I wonder what you would think of that name. And I laugh.
The part to Josh is over.
If you're reading this. I appreciate it. My brother's death is the singular most difficult event I've ever been confronted with. I don't know how I made it other than the grace of God. I eulogized him twice. Eulogizing a 37 year old is difficult. When that 37 year old is your only brother it really hits home how precious and fragile life is. I am always willing to talk. I am a member of the world's worst fraternity. Don't pull yourself up by the bootstraps. It's difficult. I know. I'm serious. I'll talk with you. I'll listen if that's all you need too. I've found that sometimes I just need to say it. Don't feel like you're alone. I'm here. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I've found that writing these on these days helps me to remember. I want to remember.
