My phone number.

I don't know what it is.  I think it's because my birthday was a few days ago.  I think I'm just now in the grieving process for my brother being gone.  I think I went numb for a few months.  I shed a lot of tears in the days after he was gone, but recently, it's hit me like a ton of bricks.  I shared a memory on facebook of a post he sent me on my birthday in 2014.  I wish back then I would have known how much weight it held today.  He told me I was a good brother, and that he loved and appreciated me.  In those moments when Josh expressed something like that, I wish I could've stopped myself and told me to appreciate this.  I mean really appreciate it.  Thank God for facebook.  I'm not kidding.  I would have never had that one tiny post that Josh had written to remind me of what he felt in that particular moment on that particular day.  My missing him, and being really sad that he is gone from Earth, really came home to roost when I saw that.  It made me very happy, and very sad, all at the same time.  I miss him.  I miss having him around.  I miss the stupid two minute phone calls, that had no point, but I knew were for him just to say hey I'm around.  He would say hey what are you doing? I would probably say nothing.  We would chit chat about some random thing, and he would say, or I would say, welp, I've got to go.  I have to admit, I sometimes wasn't very polite to Josh when he called for no reason, but I would give a lot of things, for just one more.

His death has forced me to ask a lot of questions.  Not to God.  To myself.  My faith in who God is hasn't ever wavered in the months since Josh has been gone.  My faith in myself has though.  These thoughts are not fully developed, just so you know. I need to get them out, so I can come up with a plan of action. I feel like I need to make my life matter.  I'm not writing this to get sympathy messages from anyone.  I don't want to hear, "you matter to me".  I'm not even looking for examples of how i've done something for you.  I want it to count.  I want to change something in the world.  I feel like Josh left some stuff on the table.  There are a million cliches that I can write after this sentence.  Don't worry.  I won't write them. I feel like I need to accomplish something for him.  Something that I know he would've appreciated while he was still here.  I really think that if he could come back and have one last conversation with all of us. I really think he would tell us that he didn't finish.   Finish what?  No idea.  But he would say that he could've done more while he was here.  I saw the look in his eyes when I would come see him towards the end.  I know what I saw.  I know what he was telling me without telling me.  He was telling me to finish strong for him.  So....I'm going to.  I'm going to find something to do that matters to people. I'm going to change a small part of the world, and while I'm doing it, I'm going to be thinking about my brother.  I really don't know a good way to end this.  I think it's important for you to know that if you need someone to talk to. I'll talk to you.  I think I'm a good listener, and sometimes all we need is someone to talk to.  The way I'm going to change the world, is going to be by offering a relationship.  People crave a one on one meaningful conversation, and in our cruel, busy world, no one can talk to someone.  Josh would come and talk to me.  When we would go on road trips, we would just talk.  Its how all of this changes.  It's how we matter.  It's how we make our lives count.  If you have my phone number, call me.  If you don't, I'll give it to you.