I'm not delusional about my brother's passing. It was bad. Like, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy bad. Some things I have chosen to forget. I just simply do not want to remember them. What no one tells you when people that you're close to die is, everyone seems to have a different memory about the same situation. These things and people can be very sensitive subjects. One my flaws or my strengths, depending on your perspective is, I suffer under no delusions. That is the tension of being my brother's brother. No one else on earth knows what being his brother was like. It was maddening on a number of occasions. It was fun on many others. Joshua was a complicated individual that was difficult to get along with. Not a jab. I'm difficult too.
We are now in the part of the grieving process where the really hard questions are beginning to come up in my head. The What ifs. The missed opportunities to intervene. The wondering if the times that I did say something if I should've been more forceful? Questions that I will not have answers to on this side of eternity. I can remember Josh sitting on my couch and I'm about to be in the kitchen getting him some water because I thought he was just a little hot from doing some work on one of my vehicles. There was a time not too long before this that he would've been completely fine. I had a conversation with him in that moment telling him, begging him, to go to a doctor because I knew there was something much worse going on than what he was telling me. He was off. I knew it. He knew it. I should have grabbed a giant butterfly net and scooped him up and taken him to the hospital. Should have are the two key words. I didn't. And to this day, it haunts me. I'm telling you all of that to tell you this. If you think there is something wrong, there is. Don't ignore it. While I did have a conversation about it, it should've been more than a conversation. I don't care how uncomfortable it is. Get them to a doctor, if you're facing something like this with someone that you love.
Josh, you've been gone for seven years now. My boys still ask questions about you. I tell them funny stories. I told Caleb about the one the other day when the kids sprayed you with bleach and I chased them down in the alley and put the fear of God into them. I told Caleb that he's only got one little brother and he needs to stick up for him when other people are acting stupid towards him. I have also told Luker to punch Caleb in the nuts to defend himself when Caleb is getting too rough with him. I didn't tell him about hitting him with the plastic jump rope across the back when I was giving you the business. Little flashes of life sprint across my mind every now and then and I remember you. Reading old facebook posts. Seeing you as a contact in my phone still and remembering that you would call and talk to me about something that you thought was important but really wasn't, you just wanted to call to talk for a few minutes. I didn't know how important those were. Neon Moon comes up in the rotation and I think of you every time. Hearing other people tell stories about how you helped them I just saw a comment Dave left on one of the posts about you on the memories page of facebook and how you would tithe to his church. I can't help but think about how proud you would be of Dave and what he's doing now and where he's at. In fact I know that you would've found some reason to go to Baton Rouge to visit him at Jimmy Swaggart's church just simply because you would've known how much your Granny would've wanted to you to do it. I also know that you would've tithed to Aaron's church. And you would be in Aaron's corner as a pastor. You would've visited him there way more than I have because it's the type of person you were. You would've acted like you were just passing through, but it would be a lie. It would be the purpose of the trip for you. I think about you every day. There's a look or a noise that one of my boys gives that reminds me of you. There's a number of situations in politics that you and I would be able to commiserate about. There are so many inappropriate comments that we both would've made about Joe B. You're still alive in my mind. It's important to remember. Often times when I'm alone and it's quiet, I'll close my eyes and search the recesses of my mind to remember you. I've been trying to be a better friend. I've been trying to be a better Dad and husband. I've been trying to have more deep and meaningful conversations with people just simply because it helps me to remember you. When I get the chance to speak into people's live about loss, or grief, or any other number of issues that I will keep private here, I try to have those conversations. Simply because I know that you would've wanted me to. Your death has been the single hardest thing that I've faced in my life. It's shaped me and continues to shape me now. God has taken this horrible thing. And turned it into something that helps me be better than I was. I miss you Josh. I can't believe that its been seven years. I pray that this year, people will be saved because I talk to them about you and Jesus. And what He can do in spite of tragedy.
