O hour

One of the ways that I know that I need to write about something is when I can't shake the thought that I need to write about something. Like it will pop up at moments when I  least expect it. We had our last small group meeting in early May and I talked a little about this story. Its a story that is foundational to my faith. And I am not the good guy of this story.

I was awakened by my Mom on August 15 1995 with a tone in her voice that I knew when she said my name was a different tone than my Mom would usually say my name. She said, "Jarod, Jake Caplan passed away in a car wreck last night". As I began processing being awake and hearing that news I was confronted with every conversation Jake and I had ever had. Every time I was a fake friend to him. Every word I had ever said behind his back to make fun of him. I was confronted with the fact that I couldn't ever take any of it back. 

When I was 19, I thought I was invincible. I thought I had it all figured out. In the days following Jake's death I was confronted with my own mortality, and the sum of my life up until that point. I had a teacher in 8th grade, maybe it was 9th grade in science. His name was Mr. Caplan. He was new to our school, I remember him saying that he and his family had moved from florida. I was awful to Mr Caplan. And so of course when I saw him at our church one Sunday morning after that school year, I was terrified. It was one of the first times that I was confronted with the need to ask someone to forgive me for how awful I had been. Fortunately for me, Mr Caplan forgave me and we were cordial from then on. He had a son named Jake. Jake became part of our youth group. Looking back at it now, I think of how hard it had to be for him moving to this small town in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of kids that had all grown up with each other and our cliques were tightly formed. At the time, I just thought Jake was a dork. 

Jake and I ended up serving in children's church together. We'd run sound, and do the puppets for the kids. I always felt like I was in competition to be better at Jake at everything. I wasn't. At the time I thought I was the coolest guy around. I wasn't. Whenever it was Jake and I alone, I was a genuine friend to him. But when other people came around, I would distance myself. I  would turn into the trope in TV shows where the guy would turn into a jerk to the people that he thought he was better than. With some perspective now, I am disgusted with myself. Jake and I both chewed a lot of the same dirt in serving at church, so we were aroud each other quite a bit, for a number of years. And the trope continued all through high school. 

Since it's been 31 years now, the timeline has faded. I can't put the things in order because there's been a lot that's happpened between then and now. But what I do remember is that Jake just wanted to be my friend. I remember he would try to go fishing and stuff with me, and because I was the way I was, I would do anything to avoid that happening. In our senior year, Jake and I both had to take "0 Hour". It was a class before school started. I had to take it becaue of some bad decisions I had made in the 9th grade. I think Jake had to take to make up a credit from moving. After class every day, we would go get breakfast. Jake would drive because he could park at the top of the hill because his Dad was a teacher at the school. This is where I genuinely got to know Jake. He was just a really nice guy. He had a lot of hopes and dreams. The thing that I know about Jake is he loved Jesus. That's the best thing about him. He wanted to spread the gospel. Jake was unashamed.

Jake had left to go to Bible college inWaxahachie Texas. He had went the summer before the fall semester was supposed to start. He had gotten a job, and met a girl. He was so happy. And then that fateful morning, it was over. I spent the next few days alone. I can't remember why. I think my parents had a trip planned or something but they were gone. And I was confronted with the most conviction I had ever been confronted with in my life. The thing about someone dying with the conversation left unhad, is you never get to have the conversation that you know you needed to have. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I would close my eyes and the video of every time I was a jerk to Jake would just play over and over again. During this time, the Holy Spirit was doing his work in my life. I had several conversations with the most important people in my life at the time about my life and my choices, and how to change. I remember one night in particular in the wee hours of the morning, I was praying. I asked God to ask Jake if he would forgive me. It sounds silly now, but I was serious. I believe that God used that time in my life to show me that in order to not live with that regret in the future, to take care of it now. I needed to stop being a hypocrite. I needed to love people in a genuine way, not just if they could do something to advance my own agenda. Jake's death became the singular event in my life that changed everything about me. I'm sure there are moments when I haven't been my best, but since Jake's passing, I've been more genuine. 

I've now spent a couple of days asking myself what is the point of this blog post? Sometimes its good to go back and remember the foundations of your life. I forget how far back the grace of God goes back in my life. Now that I'm 50 years old and some change, it's been 50 years and some change. The biggest anchors in my life unfortunately all revolve around loss. When I was 13 and my Grandpa died. When I was 19 and Jake died. And when I was 40 and my brother died. All horrible times, and at the same time God was doing his best work in my heart. I still have a hard time explaining it,and frankly its hard for me to understand it myself. The foundations of my life have all been shaken a few different times now, and they still hold. If you've given up, start again. If you feel like God is listening, keep talking. The greatest mysteries aren't solved easily if they ever are. Don't give up. If you have, pick it back up again.

I think about Jake every now and then. I wonder what he would've turned in to. I wonder what he would think about me and my life. I think he'd be happy for me. I think he would be glad that I stuck with it. Mind you I still look back and think Jake was a dork. I realize now that so was I. Just in a different way. The unanswered questions of a life cut short, are difficult to process. I referenced a few direct messages I had with Jake's sister Jenny off and on through the years. It was good to see those. Jake's story really isn't mine to tell. But my story with Jake as a part of it, is. I wish he was 50 as well. With a big family, killing it at life. I don't know a lot of things, but one that I do, Jake would still love Jesus and he would still be spreading the gospel. Thanks Jake for who you were in my life. I remember that little green station wagon car still. I still remember your big cheesy grin. Thank you for helping me become a better man. You were integral in my story. The story of my life cannot be told without referencing you. I'm sure one day in eternity, we'll have a long catch up convesation about all of it. 

Something came up

*I'm writing a blog post for my brother. I just wanted to give you a heads up. A while back I decided that I wasn't going to write posts just because of the anniversaries and frankly I was beginning to be repetitive. I'm just going to write about him when something comes up. Thus the title. 

I was driving to work the other day. I got to the intersection at Casa Blanca and the 10 and my transmission slipped. I was hoping it was my tires slipping on the cattle guard. It wasn't. I got on the freeway and got it up to 70 mph, but that was it. I was trying to get as close to the office as I could. No dice. I had to stop right in front of mile marker 185. I called for roadside and began the wait. All I could think about was you. Thinking "man I really wish that Josh was here to talk to right now". And it began. The flood of memories and the thoughts of how great it would be to just have you handle it for me. Knowing that the next few days was going to be a mix of getting a quote for repairs to do my due dilligence. Looking for a new car to replace it because that was probably going to be the wise way to handle this. And dealing with a government review coming up. all while having a cold that made me just want to actually be in bed. I called Dad and Mom. I told them that this is one of those times that I wish you were here. Not because it's inconvenient to deal with all of that stuff. But because we'd be spending a few days together working it out. It would be fun. You probably could've found me a Nissan Sentra transmission for pratically free and found someone you knew that would install it for me to at least get me 50 thousand more miles. But you're not here. The hole is still there.

 In the quiet moments the last few days, all my thoughts turn to you not being here. It just sucks. I called Dad yesterday morning on my way to work to ask him his advice. He said I should upgrade and get something comfortable and more reliable. He was right. There's an odd non verbal language that happens sometimes. The knowledge that there should be a third voice in this conversation that oddly sounds like both of us on the phone. We didn't say anything about you, but we both missed you. And while all of this was going on, Jessie texted me to ask us to pray for her surgery consultation on March 25 and I started to think about how you would helping her during her fight with cancer. I could see it vividly in my mind. There wouldn't be anyone more in her corner during this time than you. I've tried to text her and not have generic keep fighting conversations with her becaue I was thinking of how you would talk to her. Giving her a little bit of a hard time. Making a little fun of her. All the while being very concerned and sincerely praying for miracles for her. And comfort and wisdom for everyone else that loves her. There have been a tremedous confluence of circumstances going on that all of us needed you to be here for. 

I found a 24 Toyota Camry. I bought it.  I'm now another car removed from the Maxima that you and I spent so much time in. Here's a link to when I wrote about that if anyone is still reading this and is interested. https://aoa4life.blogspot.com/2018/08/im-buying-used-car-and-i-hope-i-dont.html

It was actually a good experience at the Big Two Toyota in Chandler. I was in and out of there in about two hours. Walked in without a car, and left with one. There's not really a great ending to this other than I've thought about you a lot the last few days and I'm glad that I did. I just miss having you around. Go talk to Robert Duvall. He just got there the other day. I love that guy. 

15

I'm writing this post for my wife. This year is our fifteenth anniversary and I have no idea how it's already been fifteen years. Our tenth anniversary was ruined by corona, so I'm trying to make our fifteenth as special as I can. The term "my wife" is one that at a certain point in my life I didn't think I'd have the opportunity to speak. I remember the night that I said I was going to  give eHarmony one more shot and if I don't find anyone, then I'm just going to figure a way to live my life as a single man. A few days later, I remember opening the site and seeing that I had matched with this particularly beautiful woman. The first line of her bio said "I love Jesus and college football". My first thought was this has got to be too good to be true. So I proceeded to do whatever I needed to to begin a conversation with her. I knew very quickly that I needed to figure out a way to not screw this up because I was smitten already. Admittedly, I moved very slowly. I had to work some things out from a previous relationship and make sure I didn't carry any baggage into whatever this was going to be. I hate talking on the phone. To this day, I hate it. I loved talking to Christa. I would sit and just talk to her for a very long time. She was sending very clear signals that she wanted to meet. I did not receive those signals. Christa was very patient with me. She is still patient with me, for the most part. From the time that we started talking until the time that I finally asked her to go on a date with me was about two months, maybe even three. We met at the Carlsbad Tavern, and I fell in love. It was easy. Not too long after that, we became serious. The sweetest thing about Christa is she is very easy to love. My relationship with her has never been hard. I don't even know if we've ever really had big arguments about anything. We were both 35 so the timeline may seem a little rushed, but within 10 months of our first date, I had asked her parents for their blessing to ask her to marry me. The conversation with them wasn't awkward at all having only met them two weeks prior to asking them if I could marry her. She kept me a secret from her family for a long time before meeting any of them. I still remember bein at Greasewood Flats to celebrate her birthday and her Mom sidling up to me at a table and asking me who I am and how long Christa and I had been dating. Sidenote here. I have the best in laws. I have friends that tell me nightmare scenarios about their relationships with their in laws. Jerry and Mary have been nothing but welcoming and warm to not only me, but to my family as well. I have no complaints about mine. Back to the point, we got engaged after a George Strait concert one night. Eight months later surrounded by all of the people we love, we were married. It's been 15 years now. We have two sons. We've walked through very tough times together. Christa is an incredible Mom and our boys are going to be good men because of how she loves them and is shaping them. If I had written a checklist of everything that I could possibly imagine in what I wanted in a wife, Christa blows all of those expectations out of the water. Proverbs 18:22 says, He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. All of the prayers in prayed when I was in my deepest, darkest loneliness were answered when Christa said I do. I don't know if you truly understand the hopelessness I felt for a really long time thinking that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone. There were some dark times. And then this light came in the form of my wife. She is a miracle. I tear up thinking about it all the time. God not only answered all of those prayers, He answered them so specifically and so beautifully, I don't know if I have the words to write to explain to you my gratitude for her. I wanted to write this today to tell you and her, just how much she means to me. And in going back and reading what I've already wrote, I'm not sure if I've done an adequate job in telling you of my appreciation for her. For all of her tangible qualities, there are many more intangible qualities that still draw me to her today. Her compassion, her drive, her gift of hospitality, her wisdom, her vulnerability, her trustworthiness, her understanding, her ability to be friends with just about anyone, the way she loves me, all of these things and so many more, make me appreciate her. Christa's love language is acts of service. More than anything I can buy for her, the thing that she loves is when I do something for her without her having to ask me to. I try to anticipate meeting her needs. I hope she knows that I love making her life a little bit easier. So Baby these fifteen years have been a direct answer to prayers that I prayed thirty years ago. Thank you for marrying me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for our two babies. You are truly the best gift that I have ever received aside from salvation. I love you.

Change. What a generic title

 I can't shake it, so I've got to write it down.  We just got back from a vision meeting for a new campus that our church is looking at buying. It was great. I can see great things happening.  We're staying at our campus in Gilbert. In May of 2018, I walked into Christ Church not knowing what I was getting in to. Christa had been ready to leave the church we had been attending for a pretty decent amount of time already. I didn't know it, but I needed to hear the word of God speak into my life. Not some topic that looked good on the marketing material.I was standing in this new church and I realized that I hadn't been alive for a while. I hadn't grieved my brother.  I hadn't felt moved during worship, I also hadn't heard the phrase "here at Christ Church we go line by line and paragraph by paragraph through the Bible". They were in the middle of going through 1st Corinthians. Whatever the next verse is, is the sermon.  

I began going to the church not fully knowing how broken I was. Life was pretty fragile. I was holding it together enough to be present for my wife and boys. In silent moments, my mind would wander and think of any number of things besides the main thing. The first thing I remember about our first service there was, it felt like I was home. Prior to our visit there, we had planned on going to a number of other churches to check them out. After the first service was over, we walked out to the car and I told Christa that I don't think we need to go anywhere else. She agreed.  So we stayed. We got to know people. I went against my nature to stay quiet and not speak to people. I found myself receiving exactly what I needed. Relationships. I had been able to hide for about seven years. I didn't serve at the church we were going to. I just went. I thought that was all I needed. I was wrong. 

We moved through all of the processes rather quickly and within six months we decided to become members of the church. I had neglected my personal discipleship for so long. I couldn't fake my way through it anymore. The accountability and conviction were impossible to avoid. I had to dive in, so I did. My story is one of many. I've heard the same thing over and over and over. Now change is coming.

Basically, every pastor that we are close to, is moving to the Mesa campus. It stinks. People that have eaten several meals in our house over the years, are changing the location of where they work and serve. There will still be many meals eaten at our house. We will still remain faithful friends and congregants, but it will be different and I don't like it. Jarod, why don't you guys just go to the Mesa campus too? It's just straight up McQueen Rd. Good question. The reason why? That would be the easy thing to do.

 My decision to stay in Gilbert has a lot to do with the idea of being a person like I met when I first began coming to Christ Church. A person like Terry Horne who has been very influential in my discipleship. We went to lunch within a few days of meeting for the first time. His continued presence in my life at church and personally has meant a lot to me.  And I want to be that for people that newly come to the Gilbert campus. I've also began training to know the ins and outs of the entire sound system. Like if something is wrong, I fix it, not call Corey Wilson to talk to him about it. I've been leading a small group for a year, I want to keep doing that because we always need small group leaders. There will be weekends when we do decide to go visit the mesa campus I'm sure. I will need to run sound there when Corey needs a weekend off. But it won't be the same. 

An era that I am very fond of is coming to an end. And it's right that it's coming to an end.  The opportunity to buy this now defunct church campus is a miracle. I'm amazed at the way it happened. The raw piece of land is probably worth about as much as the asking price for the what they want for the land and all of the buildings. It's definitely the right decision. Our lead pastor (Adam Bailie) says all of the time, "I'm worried that we've become a cruise ship, when we need to be a battle ship". It resonates. He's right. There aren't a lot of people that I would go to war for, he's one of them. From another campus.

I don’t know how this story ends. The new location in mesa isn’t even ours yet. I trust that the people that are making the decisions are praying and using God given wisdom to make these decisions. I’ve been friends with enough pastors to know that half the people aren’t going to be happy with whatever decision is made. What I’m sure about is that God has been faithful in the past, he’s faithful right now, and he’ll continue to be faithful in the future. I’m inviting you to come to church with the Tomblin’s in Gilbert. In September though, there will be a new location of Christ Church opening in mesa. The chairs were made for the husky gentleman. 

8

 When I think of eight years ago, I think that I can't believe how fast it's gone by.  That's such a trite thought.  Why can't I come up with something better to describe it?  But its true. I can't believe it's been eight.  I've been trying to remember you.  When I'm alone and it's quiet, I search the recesses of my mind to remember you.  The memories are fading.  I hate it.  I try to tell stories about you so not only do the people I'm talking about you with can know some things about you, but so I can remember
you.  A funny thing has happened occasionally over the last year.  Caleb has made a few faces and said a few things that remind me exactly of you.  It's been a small grace that I've been given to remember you.  The boys have been asking questions and talking about you recently.  I answer them as best as I can.  But in the quiet of my mind, I wish you were here to answer them.  I was thinking the other day that I want you to be here because they're both at an age now that you would have felt comfortable taking them to do things.  Ricky took them to the driving range last month.  While I love that he did that, the thought that came up was I wish Josh was here to take them somewhere to do something.  I wish you were here to show them how to wash the cars, or change the brakes, or any other numbers of things that you could've taught them.  So I find myself eight years later asking myself questions that I'll not get any answers to on this side of eternity.  It hurts. Still.  I'm listening to this song that Chris Stapleton wrote.  It's called Mountains of My Mind. I'm going to link it to this blog post.  It's like he's in my brain with this song.  One of the lyrics that speaks to me from it is this.  "So I think I'll find a long white line, curse the world and leave it all behind. I've been trying all this time, but I still can't climb the mountains of my mind".  When I think of you, there's a mixture of laughter and tears.  So many good, funny memories.  So many regrets and sad ones as well. Editor's Note: For the first time since I've started writing these blog posts, I asked Christa to read it and tell me if it was too sad. She said it wasn't, but you keep talking about how much guilt you still feel. When she first told me that, I got a little defensive. Having thought about it overnight and realized that she was right. I shouldn't feel the guilt as much as I do. I know that you prayed that I would find a good wife. God went above both of our expectations when He gave me her. Her patience and understanding with me have been such a help in walking the road of grief. 

I think the most effective lessons I've learned in my life are informed by my relationship with you Josh.  I'm more understanding, less quick to get to the harsh judgment and the expectation of an impossible standard to meet.  That's what I did to you.  I expected you to be someone that you were not.  Rather than seeing you the way that you were created, I saw you through eyes of judgment.  I remember being awoken on numerous occasions in the middle of the night to pray for you.  Not just for you, but for repentance for me, for the way that I treated you.  

I was thinking earlier today of the times that we would go have lunch together.  The last one I remember was when we went to Honey Bear's.  We both had the ribs and fries.  Honey Bear's is no longer there.  I'd go if it was.  I don't remember what we even talked about.  I'm sure it was nothing serious. I wish I had known that it was the last time we'd eat lunch just me and you.  I'd pay so much money for one more stupid lunch together. I'd tell you all the things I've written about the last eight years. I'd love to just sit and talk and catch you up on this life we've lived since you've been gone.  I can't so I'll just keep doing what I've been doing.  Searching for memories.  I like going back and seeing you pop up in the timeline. I often think that the timing of your passing has been a welcome distraction from the election.  It's a good reminder to me about the things that are really important. I think of legacy and what it means to leave this world better than I found it. People put so much importance on these elections.  And while they are important (they were important to you) I find myself just thinking about eternity and what its going to look like when we're all together again, the way we were meant to be. Glorified.  Redeemed. Transformed.  I can't wait.  I think of you in Heaven.  What do you do there?  Who do you talk to?  What are those conversations like?  Do you say anything inappropriate? I'm  guessing you do because it's you and that's kind of what you do.  

I'll say it again. I've said it a thousand times.  I miss you.  Everyday.  Every time someone brings up a memory about you, I try to lock it away, so that I have it for myself because mine are fading away.  I love you.

7

 I'm not delusional about my brother's passing.  It was bad.  Like, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy bad.  Some things I have chosen to forget.  I just simply do not want to remember them.  What no one tells you when people that you're close to die is, everyone seems to have a different memory about the same situation.  These things and people can be very sensitive subjects.  One my flaws or my strengths, depending on your perspective is, I suffer under no delusions.  That is the tension of being my brother's brother.  No one else on earth knows what being his brother was like. It was maddening on a number of occasions.  It was fun on many others.  Joshua was a complicated individual that was difficult to get along with.  Not a jab. I'm difficult too.  

We are now in the part of the grieving process where the really hard questions are beginning to come up in my head. The What ifs.  The missed opportunities to intervene.  The wondering if the times that I did say something if I should've been more forceful?   Questions that I will not have answers to on this side of eternity.  I can remember Josh sitting on my couch and I'm about to be in the kitchen getting him some water because I thought he was just a little hot from doing some work on one of my vehicles.  There was a time not too long before this that he would've been completely fine.  I had a conversation with him in that moment telling him, begging him, to go to a doctor because I knew there was something much worse going on than what he was telling me.  He was off. I knew it. He knew it.  I should have grabbed a giant butterfly net and scooped him up and taken him to the hospital.  Should have are the two key words.  I didn't.  And to this day, it haunts me.  I'm telling you all of that to tell you this.  If you think there is something wrong, there is.  Don't ignore it.  While I did have a conversation about it, it should've been more than a conversation.  I don't care how uncomfortable it is. Get them to a doctor, if you're facing something like this with someone that you love.  

Josh, you've been gone for seven years now.  My boys still ask questions about you. I tell them funny stories.  I told Caleb about the one the other day when the kids sprayed you with bleach and I chased them down in the alley and put the fear of God into them.  I told Caleb that he's only got one little brother and he needs to stick up for him when other people are acting stupid towards him.  I have also  told Luker to punch Caleb in the nuts to defend himself when Caleb is getting too rough with him. I didn't tell him about hitting him with the plastic jump rope across the back when I was giving you the business.  Little flashes of life sprint across my mind every now and then and I remember you.  Reading old facebook posts.  Seeing you as a contact in my phone still and remembering that you would call and talk to me about something that you thought was important but really wasn't, you just wanted to call to talk for a few minutes.  I didn't know how important those were. Neon Moon comes up in the rotation and I think of you every time.  Hearing other people tell stories about how you helped them  I just saw a comment Dave left on one of the posts about you on the memories page of facebook and how you would tithe to his church.  I can't help but think about how proud you would be of  Dave and what he's doing now and where he's at.  In fact I know that you would've found some reason to go to Baton Rouge to visit him at Jimmy Swaggart's church just simply because you would've known how much your Granny would've wanted to you to do it. I also know that you would've tithed to Aaron's church.  And you would be in Aaron's corner as a pastor. You would've visited him there way more than I have because it's the type of person you were. You would've acted like you were just passing through, but it would be a lie. It would be the purpose of the trip for you.  I think about you every day. There's a look or a noise that one of my boys gives that reminds me of you.  There's a number of situations in politics that you and I would be able to commiserate about.  There are so many inappropriate comments that we both would've made about Joe B.  You're still alive in my mind. It's important to remember. Often times when I'm alone and it's quiet, I'll close my eyes and search the recesses of my mind to remember you.  I've been trying to be a better friend.  I've been trying to be a better Dad and husband. I've been trying to have more deep and meaningful conversations with people just simply because it helps me to remember you.  When I get the chance to speak into people's live about loss, or grief, or any other number of issues that I will keep private here, I try to have those conversations.  Simply because I know that you would've wanted me to.  Your death has been the single hardest thing that I've faced in my life. It's shaped me and continues to shape me now.  God has taken this horrible thing.  And turned it into something that helps me be better than I was.  I miss you Josh. I can't believe that its been seven years.  I pray that this year, people will be saved because I talk to them about you and Jesus.  And what He can do in spite of tragedy.  

6 and Leach

 I didn't expect Mike Leach's passing to effect me as much as it did.  I didn't sleep well on Wednesday night because of it. I've always admired Coach Leach.  His teams in Lubbock were so fun to watch.  Except in 2008.  He was a football savant.  A genius. You can read all of that stuff in other places though.  It's been well covered. I think the thing that I admired most about him is that he was unashamedly himself. He would give opinions on weddings, the best kind of candy, the purpose that coffee serves, pirates, and any other number of topics. I'm really glad that we have all of these videos of him giving interviews to people that just wanted to talk.  He was hilarious.  I've watched the video of him giving wedding advice about five years ago 100 times.  I've laughed every time, "your bride to be is going to lose her mind, your mom is going to lose her mind, etc." is some of the funniest stuff  I've ever heard. I will miss Mike Leach and his desire to never call a running play. He said every time they ran, it was an audible that the quarterback made. Fascinating. 

On Nov 6 this year was the sixth year that my brother has been gone. I haven't written anything about it because, well I don't know why.  Some part of me says that I don't want to be the guy that just always talks about his brother passing away. A few weeks ago we had a night of thanks service at our church.  It is not in my nature to ever raise my hand and say something in public. I'm not afraid to, its just not something I do a lot.  This night I felt the need to.  I talked about how we hadn't known what to do with Josh's ashes these last six years and this year we figured out that we need to bury them with my Granny because he loved her so much and it seemed right.  I'm not a person that believes closure is a thing. Meaning I don't think its as important as people think it is.  But putting his ashes seemed like the right decision because nothing else seemed right.  We had talked about just opening up the canister on the highway because Josh loved driving.  We talked about burying him under a safety corridor sign. We thought that the state troopers wouldn't look too kindly on that, but with Granny was definitely the right decision.  

You may be asking, how do these two things go together? Coach Leach was always who he was.  So was my brother.  He was opinionated and was never at a loss of  letting you know what his was.  He was hilarious and not necessarily at the proper times.  There was more than one funeral or hospital visit that some dirty looks were shot our way. Joshua never put on airs.  One of the things that I've realized that I appreciated about him was he was always himself.  Those people don't come around that often.  I feel like I'm only my true self around a very limited amount of people, but that's not the way that Joshua was.  I'm drawn to authenticity.  Everyone that I enjoy being around are people that are themselves and aren't apologetic about it.  

I'll get back to the rest of the story about church.  I told the church that I was thankful for God's sovereignty. For a long time before Josh ever got sick, I would wake up at all hours of the night and pray for him. It happened hundreds of times as I got into my later 20's and 30's  I would ask God to save my brother.  Much like earlier in my life when I would do the same thing for my Dad, and one day those prayers were answered. My Dad was saved.  I believe that every time we pray, the answer will come.  Sometimes, that answer is yes, and the harder thing to deal with, is that answer is no. That's where my thankfulness for God's sovereignty happens.  In the no.  But your brother is dead.  Yes.  But he's saved.  The prayer was answered.  Not in the way I wanted it to be, but in the way God chose to answer it.  This tension is difficult because every day I miss Josh. One of my sons will give a look or say something and I think, "man that looks or sounds like Josh".  Those times are sweet reminders of him.  I'm fully convinced that the way things happened with Josh were the way that they were supposed to go simply because at this exact moment, he is in Heaven.  I wish I was there.  That's where my heart longs to be.  

Here are some final thoughts for you if you're still reading this.  I love you.  Finding my way through this grief over the last six years has been interesting.  It's never been easy.  A lot of times I've been tempted to go inside a shell and just never come out.  That's not a good place for me to go.  The only things that I've figured out is there is a lot of suffering everywhere.  Somebody is always going through something.  I've talked to more people, more deeply over the last few years then I ever have before because of grief.  If  you need to talk to anyone, I'll talk to you. Or I know someone that you can talk to.  There have been some songs that I've listened to on repeat.  They help. Tears flow sometimes and that's good.  Here's list of three songs.  Abide- Aaron Williams, How Good is He- Vertical Worship, Promised Land- Toby Mac.  Promised Land made me bawl like a baby, but I needed it when I heard it.  I know loss.  It's real.  It hurts.  Sometimes it comes out of nowhere and not at a time that you're expecting it to.  The tension between the finite and infinite is beautiful.  I appreciate smaller things than I ever did before. Don't got through it alone.  It won't help.  It's tempting.  Don't do it.  Go to God. Then go someone that knows God.