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If you're reading this right now, I'm writing a blog post to my brother Josh that passed away four years ago (Nov 6).  I've found it to be a great way to help with my grief.  I can't tell you about anyone else's experiences in life.  Losing a brother is easily the hardest thing that's ever happened in my life.  I wouldn't wish it happening to a sworn enemy.  I wanted to give you some context.  If you're reading this, and you've lost someone significant in your life, I'm here.  It's hard.  I fight some days to not get lost in the loss of  Josh.  It shouldn't have happened.  If you want to have a private conversation about specifics, I will.  It won't be awkward on my end, I promise.  

Christa was was watching a movie with the boys a few weeks ago called Greater.  It's about an offensive lineman at the university of Arkansas named Brandon Burlsworth that was a walk on. I'm sure that you would never have watched it.  I came in about halfway through.  I kind of knew the story.  I thought it was good.  It was inspiring to see the work that Brandon put in to (spoiler alert) become an all American offensive lineman.  If you were watching it with me, you would have said, that could be you Jarod.  I'd roll my eyes and tell you to shut up. Christa would get mad at me and tell to not say shut up in front of the boys.  It would be a whole thing.    I digress.  I'm watching it and realize that he has an older brother.  In my head I think, I can handle this.  I'm fine.  Movie keeps going, I cook some ramen noodles. I start eating them.  I keep thinking, no big deal.  I'm fine. I can handle this.  And then I can't handle it.  Dude, I came apart.  

Before this moment in time, I thought I didn't have any more of these moments in me.  Not that I don't still  miss you, or don't think of you.  I just thought that I didn't have any more left.  I. Was. Wrong.  

Dude the longer this goes, the more I realize that you're gone.  I looked your contact info up in my phone the other day.  I was hoping that somehow, some old text was in there.  It wasn't.  And I was sad. With how crazy this year has been, I keep thinking about how you would be.  All the memes that you would've sent  All the crazy stuff that you would've said.  How many times the FBI would have to come out and talk to you.  It would've been great.  I keep thinking I should look your name up and see if you voted in this election.  That would be funny.  I just miss you.  It's not easier.  The tears don't come near as often, but when they do, it's a lot. It's really not lost on me that you died around election time.  It really puts a lot of things in perspective for me every four years. Nothing has impacted me thus far in my life as you not being here anymore.  

I'm not smart enough to know how eternity works.  I would hope that there's some way for you to read this.  I miss you.  More than anything, just the random call for the check in that you would do.  That's the hardest thing still.  The safety corridor check in.  The random meme from out of nowhere to let me know that you were thinking of me.  I'm glad they pop up in my memories.  It's the only reason I still have facebook.  

You wouldn't believe how much less shy I am these days.  There has been a definite shift in how I approach people since you've been gone.  I think losing you, lit something in me.  I still have a hard time not being a brother anymore.  People will tell me after they read this that I will always be brother, and  I will appreciate the sentiment, and respond nicely.  Not having you here, created a massive hole in my life, that I cannot replace.  I do have great, close friends, that substitute nicely,  but they're not you.  

I am still on a search to reconcile the loss of you in my life.  The blog posts help to a certain extent.  I just don't know if I'm going to get there on this side of Heaven.