The Crushing Loneliness

First, I need you to know something.  I love you.  It's a simple phrase that is either overused, or not used enough.  Every day, several times a day, I tell my boys I love them, and I tell my wife I love her. I hope that they understand that I'm not merely saying it because its a great way to end a conversation.  I'm saying it because I am very glad that they are in my life.  I'm beyond ecstatic to be a husband (although I'm sure that my actions don't always exemplify it), and I am beyond ecstatic to be a Dad (except for the times I want to jump off the top rope and Superfly Snooka my sons).  Before I was married, and a Dad, I was extremely lonely.  There were times that I wondered if I was ever going to come out of it.  I would stare up at the night sky and wonder about a future with someone to share it with, and I'll be honest with you right now, most of the time I thought that I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life.  I would tell myself that I was content to be alone, but it really took me talking myself into it.  Most of the time I was deceiving myself.  A lot of times the gripping loneliness was too much to handle.  I would force myself to go hang out with someone somewhere just to get out of my own head.  The fortunate thing for me was, that there were plenty of people around me that loved and cared for me that I could go get in touch with to get through it. I would even hold on to relationships that weren't healthy just to have the contact so that the overwhelming loneliness wouldn't devastate me, but that's another story.  The story of my relationship beginning with the woman that would eventually become my wife, is a miraculous one.  If you ever want to hear it, I will gladly share it because it is a true testament of God's grace and mercy and Him giving something to one of His children that they absolutely did not deserve. 
I've said all of that to come to this point.  What happened in the early morning hours in Thousand Oaks is absolutely heartbreaking, and that word does not nearly carry the weight of what it was. It doesn't make sense. None of these things make sense.  I'm not going to tell you what should be done.  I'm not going to talk to you about my views on gun control.  The thing that keeps popping up for me in all of these things that these people are doing, is how alone they seem to be.  They don't have a church, they don't seem to have a family that cares about them, they don't seem to have any regard for human life.  They seem to be living in an alternate cyber reality and not experiencing the world around them. I truly believe that if these people had someone in their lives that took the time to have a relationship with them, that they wouldn't make these horrible decisions.  We were never meant to live in isolation.  Isolation destroys hope.  It destroys joy.  Being able to experience joy in life, keeps a person from making decisions that destroy.  Hearing one of my heroes, Adam Carolla ( a well known atheist) say on his podcast today that basically these guys need to have a relationship with God tells me that it's obvious that godlessness leads to destruction.  You could have knocked me over with a feather when I heard Carolla say that. 
If you have someone in your life that is isolating themselves, check in on them.  If it's really bad, grab them with a giant butterfly net and take them to the hospital.  If you're reading this and you're isolating yourself and you know it.  Call me.  My number is 520-252-0264.  I'll smoke you up some meat and we can hang out and watch the Longhorns beat Tech tomorrow night.  I love you.  I mean it. 

I'm buying a used car and I hope I don't fall apart

In about 2008, I started driving a 2002 Nissan Maxima.  My brother found a really good deal, and my parents bought it.  They had it for a little while and then gave it to me, which I still appreciate.  I've now had this car for 10 years.  It has nearly 300,000 miles and the registration is up at the end of august.  I can't get it to pass emissions and there's a code for a major problem with the transmission. Over the years, I've never had any major problems with it. I've kept up with the maintenance.  Early on in the car's life, my brother would take care of it for me.  He changed the brake pads a number of times.  He would take it and wash it for me.  We took it on a couple of road trips. In fact, the time that sealed for me that there was something wrong with Josh, he was trying to change the brake pads for me and couldn't get the old ones off.  This was never an issue in the past.  I had a pretty serious conversation with him when he told me he was just worn out and couldn't get the pads off.  Joshua loved this car.  After all this time, and after all of these miles, the only thing I love about this car is the memories it holds of my brother.  As the time marches on and he's been gone for nearly two years, the physical things that tie he and I together, are beginning to go away.  I can't keep this car.  It started vibrating so bad today, I didn't drive it on the freeway.  I took the back roads to work.  Much like every other story I've told you about my brother, there's a number of things that make smile, and number of things that make me cry.  If you go back and read the eulogy I delivered for my brother, you'll recall that my brother loved cars, and particularly loved Nissans.  I didn't think about it much until yesterday when Christa, the babies, and I stopped by the Nissan dealership and I test drove a couple of Sentra's.  Joshua's first big boy car was a Sentra.  I have decided that I'm going to buy a Sentra.  I don't know if it seems silly to you, but I miss him.  I miss him every day.  The days are easier to deal with now, but every once in a while, a flood comes. Josh would be happy that I'm getting another Nissan.  He would probably take it out and wash it for me.  He would tell me to get different wheels because this one has hubcaps, I would tell him that it's a good idea, do you want to pay for it?  He would tell me no and secretly look for good deals for Nissan Sentra wheels, and I would probably buy them, but he would put them on for me, because also loved wheels and tires so much.  He would ask me if he could borrow it, and I would tell him no, and he would get mad, but then I would relent.  He would probably end up buying it from me in a couple years because he would've found a great deal on another car for me.  There isn't a doubt in my mind that all of these things would happen.  Unfortunately.  They won't.  If you're reading this, and you know that you're sicker than you're letting anyone know about, go to the doctor.  If you feel like you can't tell anyone because of embarrassment, I will take you to the doctor in the car that I'm buying tomorrow night.